Emptiness 2.0

[Triggerwarning]

Feelin‘ so empty. Feelin‘ so numb. Feelin‘ as if I can’t feel anything. Like a head full of emptiness. As a result of too much pressure. Too much to handle. Too many emotions. Too many things. Too many destructive thoughts. Too much lack of self esteem. Don’t even know what to write. So many thoughts, but at the same time so much emptiness. And hardly no way to write or even talk about it.

I simply hate myself for what I’ve done. Hate myself for my behaviour. Hate how I’m treatin‘ myself, how I’m treatin‘ the people around me. There never seems to be the right way. It is far too much to reflect. Too many emotions, too much to handle.

Seems as if there’s no way out. It is always comin‘ back. No matter how hard I’m trying… The black monster is always comin‘ back. Lettin me reacting impulsive. Lettin me losing my control. Lettin me behave like the most unsocial person on earth. No way out.

And then there’s this pressure. Rising higher by every single word. And I start losing control. I can’t handle all this self hatred, this self destruction, all these thoughts. Too much pressure. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure.

Why am I doing this to me? Why am I doing this to others? Why am I existing? Why can’t I be the person I’d like to be? Why? Why? Why?

I start thinkin‘ about punishing myself. For being the way I am. Or at least for giving the pressure some space.

No, I shouldn’t! But I can’t stand it. It’s too much to take.

I’ve been here before. And several times in my life I’ve been almost there again. And never wanted to go back, I promised myself to never go back to this kind of self destruction. But now I am here. Right back where I was. 10 years ago.

And I can’t feel anything. Anything but shame and guilt.


Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me – distracting, reacting

Against my will I stand beside my own reflection – it’s haunting, how I can’t seem to find myself again, my walls are closin‘ in – without a sense of confidence I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take

I’ve felt this way before – so insecure

L.P – Crawling

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