Feeling guilty.

It’s all about guilt at the moment. Can’t handle this shit. So many emotions. So much to handle. Don’t even know why. I mean – I am trying to. I am definitely trying to. But I am not perfect. Why don’t people appreciate it? Why can’t they see it? Feels as if I have reached nothing so far. Nothing.

Feelin‘ guilty for having pushed someone else into a position he does not want to be in. Feelin‘ guilty for not being the girlfriend I am really trying to be. Still want to be a better version of me. Don’t want to be „the liar“ or the person that cannot be trusted in. Because I am (!) an honest person – I really am. I know this. But when it comes to relationships I often tend to lie. No heavy lies. But still…. I am feeling lost or caught in a certain situation – I start lying. And I am a bad liar. I truly am. I regret it right after I did it. And my opposite realises this. So obviously it causes me trouble – only a few seconds later. I can’t tell how much I dislike this part of me. I mean – why am I even lying? It only makes me feel guilty afterwards. It only gives me trouble. So much trouble. Don’t even get it. Really. Stupid.

Feeling so damn stupid these days – I am still trying to stay positive. I don’t want to get stuck in the emotion of guilt. Even if it’s holding up to me very strong.

And so I am trying to remind myself……

Reminding me of how much I have already achieved.
Reminding me that small steps are better than none. That I am still on my way. Not finished yet.
Reminding me that I am good the way I am. Reminding me that there does not have to be a „better version“ of me as I am already the best version of me.
Reminding me that I am able to be in a relationship filled with harmony, love and peace.

Bet there are even more things I need to remind myself of these days. But I am so tired. Tired of reminding me. Tired of trying. Tired of constantly not being appreciated for trying.

I am no liar. I am a trustful person. I am not lying on purpose. I am lying because I am scared.
Scared of losing someone as soon as I am telling the truth. Scared of starting a fight when telling the truth. When I am lying it feels as if I am stuck in between my world and the other one’s. This is so overwhelming for me. I want to do the right thing. I don’t want any trouble. I don’t want to hurt the other one’s feelings. And being overwhelmed I can’t think rationally. I am so deep stuck in my emotions that there is no other way for me as to not tell the whole truth. It’s never fully a lie. But sometimes it is also not fully the truth.

Damn me. I simply don’t want to be like this.

For me the feeling of guilt is one of the worst emotions. It’s so heavy.

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