Black Monster

[English only]

It’s back. The black monster came back to me some minutes ago. The only thing I am asking myself right now is: Why am I fighting. What am I fighting for. Lying here in my bed. Being the total opposite from who I’ve been this morning. This morning – being proud of me. Loving myself. Knowing my worth. Even a bit. And now. It is as if this has never happened.

Lying here. Crying. Feeling alone. All by myself. So many feelings. So many emotions. I can’t cope them. Feeling triggered. Feeling alone. Feelings of being unable to live like this. And it’s so much easier to write this in English. Don’t ask me why. It always was.

It’s not fair. I want to keep the person I had this morning. I want to keep her. The strong Lynn. But I can’t. And so I am lying here… overwhelmed by my own head. So fuckin overwhelmed. I want to go somewhere. Somewhere, where no one knows me. I want to restart. I want to live a normal life. Without borderline. Without intensive feelings that I can’t handle. It sucks. It simply fuckin sucks. But I can’t even move. My bed is holding me tight. So tight.

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